OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
