Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she smelled like a LAN party
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
