There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
