I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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