i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
