Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
