Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
