my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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