Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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