Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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