Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
