Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
