I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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