You know, be my cock's hype man.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So much rum. So many feels.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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