i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
