Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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