In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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