Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
