Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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