We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
