Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
