In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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