i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
