Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
