dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i love accidental penises.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
