thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
