If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
