3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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