this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
