In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
