gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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