I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
