My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
