K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
