Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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