I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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