well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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