The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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