Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize