im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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