Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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