I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
