I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
