when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
