2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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