I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
