Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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