my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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