I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
