I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
