Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
