College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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