My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
