Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
