I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
